Life in the den
Clear Eyes, Full Hearts
Your teen is experiencing significant upheaval right now and will be riding this storm from their unique adolescent perch. Be gentle, try to see things through their eyes, and do your best not to badger them.
Learn their language.
Teen irritations may be heightened and emotions raw. Stop and really watch and listen to what your kid may be feeling. They may need to grieve really, really big life moments that they are missing. Sports seasons. Proms. Graduations. Performances. Maybe they’ve lost a job that was most important to them. Being separated from a romantic partner or best friend crew is especially hard – most ESPECIALLY if other parents aren’t being as strict.
Keep the following tips in mind over the coming weeks:
Teenagers need a sounding board. When they bring problems our way, it’s best to start by assuming that they aren’t inviting suggestions, or at least not yet. So let them vent.
They may have fluctuating emotions and overreact to problems. They need your empathy. Send the powerful message that you will stick with them even when, perhaps, nothing can be done.
Rather than solving their problems, try to give reassurance that they can handle whatever life throws at them. Adolescents often feel vulnerable, perhaps especially when they open up to adults.
Well-intentioned guidance is often heard as criticism and lectures as outright attacks. Listen, don’t lecture. Young people often feel vulnerable, perhaps especially when they open up to adults.
Ask your teenager if they want help. Aim to solve the problem with, not for, your teenager.
More often than not, an ear, empathy and encouragement are what they truly want. Listen to their opinions—display respect and love, even if you disagree. Remember, they want us in their lives, but they are also determined to act like they don’t.
Routine is security
As schools scramble to move online, parents suddenly have to figure out how to support their children’s academic work while keeping everyone in the household sane. Teens are now sharing space with family, battling isolation from peers, feeling cooped up, and certainly feeling uncertain about when things will be normal again.
Create a family schedule Challenging times can make us feel unmotivated or powerless. A routine helps us to stay focused and feel a sense of control. A little more sleep in the morning isn’t a bad idea given adolescents’ biological clocks, but an efficient morning routine supports their sense of purpose. Regular mealtimes and simple things like getting dressed in school clothes instead of lounging around in pajamas can help to normalize a non-normal situation (working in jammies is never really a great idea).
Step back and allow them the power to contribute and feel a sense of purpose: “Can you plan our dinner menu tonight? I’ve got to finish up some work so I’d appreciate the help!” “Hey, anything you need from me to help get school work done today?” “Want to join me on a dog walk?” “How about a face time push-up competition twice a week with your friend?”
Maybe start with a 10-minute family journaling (or a silent toast and peanut butter breakfast), set hours for school work, and a fresh air excursion they can anticipate. Finally, build valuable work habits. Teens should take breaks to stretch, step outside, and soak up the sun, or have a snack. Break them free from their online trance by building increments with a timer (try Bear Focus Timer, a brilliant app!), restoring their mind and body for efficient, focused work.
Step back and allow them the power to contribute and feel a sense of purpose
Limit Social Media
School closings and social distancing mean a lot more time on technology. This is very likely to create conflict between young people and parents. Online spaces are their social spaces (and now their virtual classroom), and it's good to respect that.
A developmental task of adolescence is to separate from one's family as they move toward becoming an independent young adult. Time on social media will feel like a lifeline for them right now, as they have a deep need to spend more time with friends. Research shows that a crucial coping tool for teens is to feel understood and accepted by their friends. Now more than ever.
Take this as an opportunity to learn more about their online worlds. Help them bust rumors and disinformation. Become an expert detector of coronavirus hoaxes. Check-in with their mental health. Be a media mentor. (VPR)
But, too much time in front of a screen and on social media will undoubtedly contribute to stress. Constant news of the pandemic is upsetting. Discipline yourself and your kids to check newsfeeds no more than once or twice a day. This includes social media and conversation with friends. Sites like Snapchat, TikTok, and Twitter place us into filter bubbles, amplify the drama of teen life, and are intense breeding grounds for conspiracy theories, perseveration, misinformation and, frankly, junk. Help them learn that their online “diet” will impact who they are now, and who they will become. Now is a time for limits. Perhaps start by saying, "The use of digital devices is healthy when it doesn't hurt our relationship or get in the way of us staying connected. Online activity should be respectful, above board and a reflection of our family’s values and standards.”
Enforceable Screen Time Rules
Context is key with setting limits with teens; they need to know the “why”. Start with a broader conversation about relationships: how inappropriate behavior can mar their reputation among peers, parents, and community, and negatively affect one’s ability to achieve your dreams and goals. Help them understand they’re part of a broader parent group and that someone may glance at a friend’s phones and see things they would be embarrassed by. Be clear about what is not okay: name calling, denigration, snarkiness, rude comments and inappropriate humor and how this might convey poor values and character.
Consider ground rules for separating school work and social screen time, overall screen time limits, phones in bedrooms, and screens during family time. Be firm in promoting a shift to messaging, Facetime, and old-fashioned phone calls. The timber and cadence of a friend’s voice are grounding. Perhaps this would be a beneficial time for conversation and carving out fundamental points for a family agreement.
Whatever you decide, make sure to talk about and ensure everyone is taking breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including social media. Hearing about the pandemic too much can be upsetting. Having family members tucked in together is an opportunity to bring back device-free meals. Gather around the dinner table for meaningful conversation and sustenance. It will nourish your mind, body, and heart.
“It’s time to take this parade float and strip it down to four wheels, a floor, and a functioning steering wheel. It’s time to be basic...You are not a real school. No one expects you to be a real school.”
— Kimberly Harrington
Gather
This time together is a gift, don’t waste it. Embrace being less busy with good – never old-fashioned – quality time. Your teen may be irritated or reluctant at first but is sure to warm up to revisiting childhood fun.
When you need a little inspiration, watch this wonderful 84-year-old pole vaulter, Flo Meiler. Or Kevin Pearce, who in one year went from standing atop podiums at the X Games to relearning how to brush his teeth after a traumatic brain injury (From the Obstacle Comes the Path). Both of these people have experienced lives full of breakthroughs, heartache, and astonishing resilience and serve as beacons during this challenging time.
How long does it take to complete a 1,000 piece puzzle when you can’t leave your house?
Read aloud their funniest and most cherished childhood books, like Tintin and Seven Silly Eaters.
Resurrect games like: Would You Rather, Heads Up, Monopoly, Twister, or Bop-It.
Get all the feels watching this family rendition of Les Mis “Lock Down”.
Make a family playlist to blast while you cook (your teen will show you how).
Dig up art supplies for DIY craft projects or jewelry-making. Compete in a bi-weekly family Scrabble tournament.
Sit down and watch shows geared at older teens like “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” “High School Musical”, “The Good Place”, or “High Fidelity”, or follow a Yoga or Tae Bo video together.
Be transported to stunning places round the world (The World Through a Lens), learn sign-language, or sink into a Harry Potter binge.
Practice archery in the backyard, or GO BIG and braid everyone’s wet hair, let it dry, remove braids and take a selfie (and send it to grandma).
“I used to think babyhood was the neediest stage of life, but teenagers need their parents too. They’re a bit like trauma victims, fresh off the car crash of puberty. They look like they’re functioning normally; but their brains are in a state of continual change and occasional malfunction. What better time to have a clear-thinking adult around?”
— Mary Laura Philpott
Help them connect with friends
No one knows how long this pandemic will last, but what is certain is that teens need to stay connected. “Feeling like you’re more isolated than you’d like, has all sorts of deleterious effects on sleep: on mood, inflammation, and physical health,” said Jamil Zaki, Ph.D., the director of Stanford University’s Social Neuroscience Lab and a father of a 3-year-old.
We all want our families to stay physically and mentally grounded and shouldn’t ignore the importance of friendship during this especially challenging time.
“I know that other parents are still having kids over, but we can’t support that choice because it doesn’t fit with what experts are recommending.” Let your teenagers know that when turning down invites they are free to blame us, and that if local safety guidelines allow, we’re open to their suggestions about how they might get together with friends outdoors, six feet apart.”
Although kids are at lower risk than many, and generally have milder symptoms, there are youth fatalities. A false sense of security may result in less than careful practices. Everyone needs to be careful, including teens, who are pre-disposed to an egocentric perspective on life. It is our job as parents to inform and monitor our kids, so they stay healthy and do not spread the infection. It is a key priority right now to slow the virus’s spread through communities so we don’t overwhelm our healthcare system and end up with an overload of serious cases that doctors can’t handle. Schools are closed to keep our students and staff safe. Gatherings of young people, outside or in, is NOT safe for them or the community they live in.
Distance socializing: Some health care providers have recommended that outdoor activities done in parallel with someone at a distance is okay, but not in close up and confined spaces. There are no clear answers, experts say, and what you decide will largely depend on your comfort level, local directives, and family details. But, in the end, know that an adolescent’s friendships are a vital lifeline for their well-being and worth consideration and support.
